i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
