He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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