i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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