They should really pass out barf bags in church
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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