I got chris browned last night
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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