he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
