Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
