I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
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Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
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We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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