now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
