we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
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