Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
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