Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
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no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
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Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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