mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
What a dumb baby whore.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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