U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
