Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it