I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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