At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
