ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
