Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
