So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
