Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
