What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
