Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
