i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
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The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
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It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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