he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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