shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
