I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
