she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
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