apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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