this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"