sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
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Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
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Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone