I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
