did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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