We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
