8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
