I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
