Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
