I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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