the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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