he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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