Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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