im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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