The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
So vagazzling was a success
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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