he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
