so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
