How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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