You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
vagina is talking i cant
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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