Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
