listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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