Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
