did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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