my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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