I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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