Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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