Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
