i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
