pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
