a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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