I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
