Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i love accidental penises.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
